


claim your ghost

by weatheredlaw



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/M, Family Dynamics, Grief/Mourning, Moving On
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 13:30:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12013773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weatheredlaw/pseuds/weatheredlaw
Summary: Johann is immortalized in story and song, but he doesn't sleep in Avi's bed, anymore, and he doesn't make them breakfast, and he won't be giving out mixtapes at Candlenights, or making Avi one special, just for him.Avi's having a hard time.





	claim your ghost

**Author's Note:**

> i have been thinking about this as a ship for a really long time and i just wanted to break myself? i guess? so i did.

_Claim your ghost, know the wine for what it is_   
_There's light holding onto the ground_   
_Our music is clumsy and free_

 

* * *

 

Avi heard him, so _clearly._ The force in his voice was not the bard he'd known, but it was real, that much he was certain of. He closed his eyes, felt that voice course through him, felt it... _lift him._

That was his Johann, inspiring the masses to rise up. To fight. To defend this world.

Avi gasped as a tendril of one of the Hunger's beasts knocked him off his feet, but he was undeterred.

He was filled with story. He was filled with song.

And it was all because of Johann.

 

* * *

 

They met at orientation, four years before. Johann was a very specific hire, whereas Avi sat with the rest of the guards, trading stories about former employers and that one year some of them all worked at the same bar in Neverwinter and Jess the Beheader came in and started a fight and let them finish it. Avi hadn't been there. Avi was the scrawniest of the guards, and had only ever worked security duty. But he had tech experience, and he interviewed well, so he knew that, after this, he'd go on up and start working on the canons.

 _That_ he could get excited about.

And so, shunted to the edge of a group of half-orcs and hefty humans, Avi leaned back in his chair and thought about how he might rub his accidental success in their faces later – when someone just...caught his eye.

“--the hat really necessary?”

“Uniform, sir.”

Avi looked over. Johann was a musician, he knew that, and he was currently in the process of being fitted with an incredibly loud, incredibly obnoxious cap with a feather sprouting from the top.

One of the half-orcs snorted.

Avi swallowed.

Hat aside, or maybe even hat included – Johann was... _something._ He had a sort of sad, beleaguered expression that he seemed well practiced at wearing, and his shoulders slouched forward. Not at all the posture of a violinist, which is what Avi assumed he was, considering the instrument case that rest at his feet.

He was, cap and all, a beautiful human.

Avi fell right away. It would be another six months before he gathered up the courage to even _talk_ to the guy, but – he knew.

This guy had him.

 

* * *

 

(they used to say something, one to the other, before someone had to go, or before avi had somewhere to be or before johann needed to work on a new piece.

avi would look at johann, and he would stretch out his hand, and he would say, _you know i love you, right?_

and johann would smile, and tip his head to the side, and he'd say, _yeah. i know._ )

 

* * *

 

(avi wishes that was the last thing he ever said to him.

but it wasn't.)

 

* * *

 

Their last conversation went something more like this.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, if you finish early tonight maybe we can do something nice for dinner.” Avi threw the suggestion into the ring, just sort of fishing for a response. Johann was uncomfortable going out, but if his day was good enough, if he was feeling up to it, he could be convinced.

He'd been happy walking out the door. This was just a regular day, but Johann seemed really _happy_ as he slung his violin case over his shoulder and snagged his hat off the hook.

“Yeah,” he said. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Avi's cheek. “I'd really like that.” And then he opened the door, threw one last smile over his shoulder, and he left.

But Avi couldn't just let it go. He had to throw the door open, and he had to shout down the hall at Johann's retreating back, “ _Save me some music!_ ”

Johann, standing in the elevator, gave a rare, sweeping bow.

And that was the last time Avi saw him.

That was the last thing he said.

 

* * *

 

(you probably thought it was going to be worse than that.

didn't you?)

 

* * *

 

The first time they were together alone wasn't really romantic at all, considering Johann threw up right next to Avi's boots. He was coming back to the base, his first time in one of the balls – it hadn't gone well.

So, Avi shared his flask.

It wasn't exactly allowed, but it wasn't disallowed. Avi had figured out how to calm the rattled nerves of Bureau travelers pretty quick. A specific type of brandy, ordered special from the Fantasy Costco, served in a discreet, silver flask.

Johann took it gratefully. Avi tried not to point out, loudly, that there had been a literal spark when their fingers had touched, honest to god, he'd totally seen it –

Instead, he stayed quiet.

Johann sat, wiped the sweat from his brow, and took another swig.

“I...don't like that.”

“S'only way up.”

“That's not how I got up here.” He looked at Avi. “You came with me. I remember you. That's not how we got up here.”

No, he was right. There'd been a larger ship, something to carry them all. But he hadn't seen it since he'd come and, frankly, it was hard to remember those first few days exactly. The days before the inoculation.

 _You remember me?_ is what Avi wanted to say.

Instead –

“Uh, you done with that?”

Johann looked down. “Right.” He handed the flask back to Avi. “Sorry.”

“You're fine.”

“I've...gotta go. Thanks for your help.”

“Yeah.” Avi took the flask, but this time, no spark. One time thing, he figured. Static.

Like...everything.

“Anytime.”

 

* * *

 

(maybe the last thing you say to someone isn't what you say when they're alive.

maybe the last thing you say to someone is when you find their body, and you're trying to figure out how something like this even _happens_ and you're confused because you were laying in bed with them that morning, and you had kissed their cheeks and shoulders and arms and you'd made them toast because they always forgot and you kissed them goodbye and tried to take them to dinner so you could show them off because you loved them and if everyone in the world didn't know then what was the _fucking point_ – )

 

* * *

 

Avi's last words over Johann's body were a _howl_.

He didn't know why he couldn't form words. He didn't know why he couldn't say _I love you._

He just – screamed.

Someone's big, warm hands were pulling him back, and he realized it was Magnus. And he looked to find him, to read the expression on his face, and the second he did, he understood –

“You...you knew.”

Magnus nodded. “I was here.”

And Avi couldn't help himself, he couldn't stop, so he roared and he pushed and he tried to tear the floor under his knees apart as he yelled, “ _Why didn't you save him?_ ”

Magnus was silent. Then: “It happened so fast. I just...I did what he asked me to do.”

“What--”

Magnus looked at Avi, and took his hands into his own. “He didn't want to be forgotten. So...he won't be. Ever.” And Magnus pulled him in, and Avi felt the air rush from his lungs. “As long as the world is here, _Johann's_ here.”

 

* * *

 

(and avi.

cried.)

 

* * *

 

The first time he kissed him –

“I want it gone.”

The director –

“I just.”

Magnus reached and –

_I want it all gone._

 

* * *

 

“No,” Magnus said. “You don't.”

“I can't _have him anymore._ ” Avi wanted to scream, he wanted to wrap his hands around Magnus's neck and throw him off the balcony of this apartment he wanted to _burn._ “He's _gone_ , and everything on this base reminds me of him.”

“It'll be like that.”

“I don't _want it._ ”

“You can't lose it. Trust me. It's...you don't want to lose any of it.”

Avi snarled. “What do you know?”

Magnus shrugged. “Just...trust me, okay?”

“I can't.” Avi shook his head. “I can't trust you, you were with him, I can never trust you.”

Magnus raised his hands. “That's fair, if you need someone to be angry at, then it's okay if it's me. Maybe...maybe you're right. Maybe I could have done something. I just...”

Avi slumped against the balcony. “No,” he croaked. “No, that's wrong.” He put his face in his hands. “It wasn't you.”

“...Avi...”

“It _hurts_ and I want it to _stop._ ”

“I can't help with that.” Magnus put a hand on his shoulder. “Look, I know what this feels like. I know what this _is._ ” Avi stared. “My wife...” Magnus shook his head. “Listen, I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you it's gonna get easier. It's gonna get _hard_ before anything else, okay? Every second is gonna feel like _dying_ and sometimes you'll wish you had. But then you're...you're gonna move past that. And it's going to be...something else. Not great. But not...dying.” He paused. “This isn't helping.”

Avi blinked. His eyes burned. His chest was tight and air felt impossible.

( _hey. you know i love you, right?_ )

“But you're gonna live, Avi. If I promise you anything, it's that you're gonna live.”

( _yeah. i know._ )

Avi nodded. “Okay,” he said. “Okay.”

 

* * *

 

“No one will forget,” the director said. “Never again.” She put a hand on his shoulder. “ _Especially_ not Johann.”

Avi nodded. “Of course.”

“I'll understand,” she added, “if you'd like to take some time away from the Bureau. I know it's a lot, and there's so much work--”

“No,” he said. “I...I wanna stay.” He looked at her. “I _need_ to stay. I...talked to Magnus.”

The director's smile widened. “I'm sure he was full of interesting advice.”

“He just...helped me understand a few things.” Avi clenched his fists. “I'm not ready to move on. But I'm ready to keep my head up. Johann loved the Bureau. So I'll...stay.”

And Lucretia – well.

She reached down, and she uncurled his fingers, and pressed her hands into his. He'd never really seen her as much more than his _boss_ , but he knew her story now.

Now, she felt like a friend.

“I'm so glad you will,” she said. “I'm just...so _glad._ ”

 

* * *

 

In the mess later that week, Carey sat across from him. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Listen, um.”

Avi looked up. “Please don't...tell me you're sorry.”

She looked sheepish. “I was just gonna apologize for not saying anything to you at the memorial.”

Avi shrugged. “It wasn't just for me. It was for everyone.”

“I know, I just...I mean he...” She sighed and took a bite of her apple. “Well, if I can't say I'm sorry then I wanted to ask you something else.” She cleared her throat. “Do you...wanna move in with me and Killian?”

He balked, just a bit. This was...a surprise. “Um.”

“I know it's kinda out there, I just--” She looked to her left and grinned as Killian approached. “I'm asking him,” she said.

“And?” They both looked at him.

“I...I don't know.”

“You don't have to have an answer right away,” Killian said gently. “It's just something to think about.”

“Yeah, maybe after we have our engagement party,” Carey added.

Avi _choked._ “You're _engaged?_ ”

“Seriously?” Killian asked, and Carey's cheeks went a light shade of purple. “Well, it _was_ a secret.”

“No it's not,” Carey said. “Everyone knows.”

“But they don't _know_ , you know?”

The dragonborn shook her head. “Now _I_ don't know.”

Killian sighed. “We're only asked because...I don't know. We thought you might not want to be alone in your apartment. I know you've been crashing a lot by the canon,” she added.

“It's comfortable,” he said.

“Avi.”

He sighed. “It's not a big deal.” They stared. He gave in. “It just...the apartment was...ours. I don't know. Right now I can't be there, but...but I want to be _able_ to be there.”

“Well.” Carey took another bite of her apple. “You should stop sleeping by the canons, at least. Crash with us when you want. Hell, go planetside and crash with Magnus. That's what Lucretia does.”

 

* * *

 

That was exactly what Lucretia did. When Avi took up Magnus's invitation to stay at his new place one night, he found her in the kitchen, talking _animatedly_ , of all things, and arguing with Magnus about craft beers.

“I'm only saying it's _rudimentary_ at best.”

“It's an _art_ ,” he said. “You crush wine with your _feet_ , you think that's not rudimentary?”

“It's just an opinion.”

“That you _insist_ is fact.” Magnus turned and saw Avi on the front porch through the open door. “Hey! You made it!”

“I...did.”

The director's cheeks flushed and she set down her wine glass, righting herself quickly. “Avi,” she said.

“Madam.”

Magnus laughed, slapping him on the back so hard he dropped his duffel bag. “ _That's_ a riot.”

“Lucretia is fine,” she said, and picked up her glass again. “Perhaps you can settle this.”

“Um.”

“Beer brewing or wine making,” Magnus said. “I think they both have their merits, but it's my _personal opinion_ that brewing requires more delicacy.”

“An opinion that's wrong,” Lucretia said, waving her hand.

Avi shrugged. “I'm a brandy man,” he said, and fished his flask out of his pocket.

Magnus and Lucretia stared before busting out laughing and almost falling over one another.

“Amazing,” Magnus said. “ _Amazing._ ”

“Splendid.” Lucretia drained her glass. “Let's have some of that then, shall we?” she asked.

Avi smiled.

Magnus caught him, and raised his glass.

They all got delightfully drunk that night, and Avi slept better than he had in weeks.

 

* * *

 

(johann liked wine, and he liked to keep the bottles. avi needed to get rid of them, probably, but thinking about them now, he...couldn't even imagine their kitchen being a _kitchen_ without them.)

 

* * *

 

“Are you and the director...”

“What? God, _no._ ” Lucretia had left them early that morning, giving them both a soft forehead kiss in turn before heading out. “No, no. It's...well it's _not_ complicated, actually.” He smiled. “When everything happened during that century we all spent together, me and Lucretia just...got real close. She's like a sister. That's how we made it through, I think. You know, you lose everything, you leave it all behind, you gotta make family where you can find it.”

Avi nodded. “Yeah. That's...I like that.” He looked into his coffee. “I never had much family.”

Magnus glanced over. “Me either.”

“I guess...I guess that's why I joined the Bureau, you know? I wanted to belong.”

“I get that.”

“That's why you joined that thing, right?” Magnus nodded. “Yeah. And then I found Johann. And Carey and Killian asked me to...to _live_ with them.”

“That was thoughtful.”

“I can't.”

Magnus nodded again. “I understand.”

“That's why I came here. I needed somewhere just to...to _be._ I'm not ready to be back in my apartment, but I'm not ready to leave. Not for good.”

“Well, maybe you don't, then. Maybe you just...find a place to let yourself rest your head. And it can't be by the canons,” Magnus added.

“ _Why_ does everyone know that.”

Mangus shrugged. “Taako saw. So, everyone knows.”

 

* * *

 

He agreed to move in with Carey and Killian, just for a while. Just...until he could go back.

“Not forever,” he assured them.

“Don't worry about it,” Carey soothed. “We're happy to have you. Come on, cleaned the guest room.”

“We had to buy a bed,” Killian confessed. “We weren't ready for you at all.”

Avi raised a brow. “Good to know,” he said, and set down his bag in the spare room.

 

* * *

 

( _i miss you,_ he kept saying, but no one answered. in his head, he could picture johann's face, and the way he might smile and say, _yeah, i miss you, too_ , like they were just in two different places, and they'd see each other soon.

it would take him a long time to realize it, but, avi did eventually figure – that was...sort of the truth.)

 

* * *

 

He did go back to his apartment, and eventually, he got promoted. A year into the rebuilding, they needed someone to act as a liaison between the Bureau and different lords and dukes and ladies. Lucretia thought he'd be perfect.

“I don't know the first thing about public relations.”

“Well, that's why I'm throwing you an easy one,” she said. “The Earl of Bottlenose Cove.”

“...Merle?”

“Yes.”

“Bottlenose Cove looks great.”

“Cleanup,” she said. “And we need to establish at least one reputable connection. The Earl of Bottlenose Cove is...quite adept at his job, actually.” She smiled. “I suspected he would be, when Artemis told me what he had planned.”

“Well. Okay.”

“You want this, don't you? If you're tired of the Bureau, if you need a break--”

“No.” Avi stood firm. “This...is my family. And this is where I met Johann. It's where my entire life changed. I'm not leaving it behind. I'm better now,” he said. “I'm...I'm _better._ ”

Lucretia smiled, and put a hand on his shoulder. “I certainly believe it, Avi.”

 

* * *

 

(and when magnus died, avi felt the weight of his life. when lucretia lit the pyre the sent his body away, he felt it even more so. when she slipped two wedding rings onto the chain around her neck, avi realized –

johann was just...across the way.

magnus had named one of his dogs after him, asking avi quickly if it was okay, but avi knew very well – he wasn't the keeper of johann's memory, anymore than magnus could remain the keeper of his wife's. that belonged to his sister, now. and so there were a lot of dogs named johann, and a lot of sons, and a lot of fish. avi heard the name everywhere, as he aged.

and he _rejoiced._ )

 

* * *

 

And when it was his time, Avi was surrounded by his friends, and by his family. And Kravitz came and took him along, and his hand was oddly warm.

And Avi heard _music._

“Someone's been waiting for you,” Kravitz said quietly. “We've all enjoyed him so much.”

Avi felt everything slip away, and standing there, in a quiet field, was Johann. No crazy hat or ridiculous pants. Just Johann, dressed down, and playing the last note of the most beautiful song Avi had ever heard.

“You have some time,” Kravitz said. “But you won't be apart again. That, I can promise.”

He stepped back, and was gone. Avi stared. Johann let his instrument and bow rest by his side.

“Hey,” he said.

Avi swallowed. “ _Hey._ ”

Johann grinned, set down his violin, and stretched out his hand. “Come here.”

And Avi went. He went and he held him, buried his face against his neck and _breathed._ “It's you.”

“It is.” Johann pulled back, and held Avi's face in his hands. “You took a while,” he said. “I'm glad.”

“I missed you like hell.”

“I know,” he said, “ _I know._ ”

“And you...you haven't changed.”

“Not much.” Johann kissed his forehead. “I still love you.”

“I've always loved you.” Avi tipped forward, and smiled. “I just... _never_ stopped.”

“Sit with me, then.” Johann pulled him down into the grass. “Tell me everything that happened.”

Avi grinned, and he stretched out in the meadow and rested his head in Johann's lap. He closed his eyes, feeling familiar hands rake through his hair.

“It's a lot,” he said quietly.

“It's been a long time since I heard one of your stories,” Johann mused. “I'll listen as long as you want.”

Avi sighed, and he looked up, Johann's face filling his field of vision. He reached, and cupped his cheek.

“Forever,” he said, and Johann nodded.

“Forever.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> lyrics from "claim your ghost" by iron & wine.


End file.
